Christmas With David

Our first Christmas with David was (like any new parent's) filled with joy. But we also had the added excitement and anxiety of the news that my early release from the Marine Corps to return to college had been approved. My desire to finish my education had kicked into high gear when Nancy and I found out she was expecting.

There was so much change to absorb; bottles, diapers, feeding schedules, the needs of an infant and a new life outside the Corps. We picked out a little Charlie Brown tree for the three of us with a few decorations for the apartment. I remember the joy of hanging his "Baby's First Christmas" ornament that year.

Nancy took to mothering like a duck to water and quickly mastered the basics. But, we were still young, inexperienced and far from family and home. My role was primarily relief duty, to catch the diaper changing and feeding when Nancy needed to sleep. If it was important she wasn’t going to leave it up to me. Then David started crying on Christmas Eve.

I looked intently at my infant son, marveling at the complex faces he made, without a clue what they meant. We changed him, burped him, walked him…nothing helped. I felt bad but even in his discomfort I smiled at the mad faces he made with his little balled up fists going outward. He cried into the night and now we began to worry. The strain of new parenthood met with exhaustion and we looked at each other with no answers. David eventually fell into a fitful sleep which would erupt into cries unexpectedly as we were startled from our own sleep.

On Christmas Day without any idea what we should do to do we made the long drive to Camp Pendleton’s Naval Hospital where David had been born. Eventually, we saw a pediatrician who after a peek in his ears announced with a look of mild annoyance “he has an ear infection”. Relieved and with our first lesson in parenting in hand, we were on our way home. This would be the last Christmas that David did not wear a smile all day.

David loved Christmas not for the presents but for the commotion. He loved it for the chaos of big family chatter, our big breakfast, piles of gift trash, Grandma’s food and rob-your-neighbor. He loved sitting with AJ going through his gifts and talking to him in that sing-song patter they shared together. Most of all, David enjoyed the happiness of others.

Of all our family traditions, the one that David cherished more than any other was “sibling presents”, a gift exchange for the brothers and sisters on Christmas Eve where every present has to come from the dollar store. I can still see David on his last Christmas Eve, sitting on the big family room couch with his bag of presents between his legs. One by one he flipped them across the room to each sibling. They were carefully selected, delivered with humor and a big David grin. He loved being from a big family, he loved being the oldest, he loved being a brother and he loved his family more than anything in his life. In that simple act of love, we see David at his truest.

Are There Birthdays In Heaven?

On the morning of David’s birthday I stood at his grave. The frozen grass, the dull gray sky and frigid wind reflected the loss in my heart. As tears rolled down my face my thoughts drifted to the joy of his birth and his last birthday.

I had just returned from my first overseas deployment in March of 1984. Nancy and I not only were newlyweds but we really didn’t know each other that well. We’d had a whirlwind romance and our marriage was followed by a 7 month separation. Nancy and I left Missouri and drove across the U.S. to Camp Pendleton with all the joy of new love.

We settled into a tiny apartment in San Clemente two blocks from the beach. It was so small that you could stand in all three rooms from one spot but we were happy. Within weeks Nancy learned she was pregnant. Our excitement was followed quickly by the sobering realization that in a few short months our lives would be forever changed. If it was a boy he would be named David Daniel after my older brother David who died at 18 months.

Every step of her pregnancy was filled with expectation and excitement; the first check-up, the first flutter, Lamaze classes and buying maternity clothes. As her stomach grew I felt a pride of pending fatherhood as we walked and were greeted with smiles from people. Being young and broke we spent our free time mostly going for walks on the beach. It was there we developed a lifelong love our kids will recognize, for Hawaiian Shaved Ice. We also discovered that as Nancy got bigger she went downhill easily but uphill back to the apartment was another story! I’d stand in back of her and push as we laughed our way home.

While the birth of every child is memorable, David’s was particularly so. We had been to a wedding on Saturday night and I had had a little too much to drink. I was also fighting a cold and exhaustion from a 25 mile hike the day before. So as to not disturb Nancy when we got home I fell asleep on a tiny couch. I’d been asleep no more than an hour when Nancy shouted out “Chris!” I bolted upright. Nancy said “We’re having a baby”. Through the sleep and hangover I saw her standing in front of the bathroom door with water dripping down on the floor between her legs, her water had broken. I was instantly awake and sober.

Water breaking had not been part of our plans so I wasn’t even sure what it meant but I knew we had to get Nancy to the Naval Hospital and quickly. I grabbed the keys and said “let’s go”. Nancy said “no, not until I take a shower”, I was dumbfounded. She said she wasn’t going to go to the hospital dirty. She got in the shower. I asked her how she felt and she said “fine, doesn’t hurt at all…oooowwwwwww”. We laughed with nervous excitement as we kept saying “we’re having a baby tonight!”

We finally jumped in the car around 2 a.m. and headed towards base. The gate guard at the remote Las Pulgas gate asked us where we were going in the middle of the night. I was just a lance corporal so hardly carried any weight. I told him Nancy was in labor. He quickly waved us through and said “don’t drive too fast” I said “absolutely”. As soon as we were out of sight I drove as fast as I could without crashing.

We checked into the hospital and they whisked Nancy away. A Navy hospital is functional and nothing more. There were no soothing birthing rooms and I waited anxiously in a waiting room. When they finally summoned me in Nancy was already in the delivery room, which was also a sterile surgical room. It was so bright and full of stainless steel it hurt my eyes.

I kissed Nancy and touched her stomach. It was so tight. I timed her contractions and tried to remember the things they taught us in Lamaze but I quickly realized the last thing Nancy cared about was Lamaze. I pulled up a chair and held her hand as she drifted in and out of consciousness. After a couple of hours exhaustion took over and fell asleep with my head on her bed. Suddenly I was jolted awake as she hissed “I’m having a baby and you can’t even stay awake?!” I looked up to the now very familiar glare of an angry Nancy.

Finally, Nancy was fully dilated and things happened quickly. As the nurses and doctor arrived I was pushed to the side. I glanced nervously at the heart monitor not sure if the numbers were good or bad. As the baby’s head began to emerge I was mesmerized at the miracle before me. Then after several minutes the baby fully emerged and the doctor held him up “Congratulations, it’s a boy”. They placed him on Nancy’s chest. The love I saw in her eyes told me I’d been replaced as the love of her life. It was Sunday morning, Dec. 9, 1984.

I was not allowed to hold him right away because they needed to put him on a warming table. He was naked except for a blue knit cap Nancy had brought. As he lay there I did touch his feet and hands and marveled at the softness of his skin and his full head of shiny black hair. He was sturdy and had the familiar Lozano nose. A million thoughts went through my head. Finally, they wrapped him in a blanket and handed him to me. If I close my eyes I can still remember every detail of that moment.

I cradled his body in my left arm with his head wresting by my elbow. I raised him and lowered my head and gently kissed him on his forehead and nose. I whispered “welcome to our world, I wish you only great things”. The smell was more wonderful than anything I’d ever known. Eventually I had to give him back and then they whisked him off to the nursery so Nancy could rest.

[ I didn't realize the coincidence until I wrote this story but when David died I leaned over and kissed him on his forehead and nose the same way I’d done on the day of his birth and said “It’s ok David, you fought hard now it’s time to go home. Thank you for being my son”]

A few days later I arrived with a new car seat and we took David home to our apartment. David’s birth was the first of many changes that were about to occur. I was being discharged from the Marine Corps only a few weeks later. Nancy and I would be living with my mom and I was returning to college. David’s birth had convinced me I had to sacrifice to get ahead and provide for my family. In early January I loaded Nancy and David on an airplane and with the help of my brother and a friend moved back to St. Louis.

Over the years birthdays would hold a special place for David. It was with David that I started a tradition of taking my kids out to breakfast on their birthdays. In 2008 David was living in Kenosha, Wisconsin in an apartment close to Lake Michigan. He was not going to be able to return for his birthday because of work. I’d missed his previous birthday because I was in Iraq. On a complete spur of the moment I asked Nancy on the 8th “do you mind if I go to Kenosha to spend his birthday with him?” Nancy thought it was a great idea. David’s grandfather Mike joined me and we drove up to surprise him. We arrived in the early evening. I stood outside his door and called him on my cell phone “Hi David its Dad, what are you doing?” He answered “not much just watching TV.” I then knocked on the door. “Just a minute Dad someone’s at the door”. He opened the door with his phone in his ear. He instantly began laughing loudly with those glowing eyes of his “You’re so stupid!” David loved a good surprise.

The next morning we got up and went to Franks a diner we’d seen on a Food Network show. It was snowy and cold just as David liked it. We squeezed into the tiny 1920’s diner and laughed and ate and laughed some more. After breakfast we went to the store so I could buy ingredients to make his favorite fajita dinner and carrot cake. That evening we ate and laughed some more lit his candles and sang him Happy Birthday. In the dim glow of the apartment he smiled that big David smile. I just remember how happy he was and am so grateful that I went.

As the cold snaps me back to the present I am left with the magnitude of his loss and my complete loneliness. Gone are the laughs, gone are the smiles, gone are the things that made David so easy to love. Gone is my first born. Gone is a piece of me. My spirit is buoyed only by the hope of the resurrection and the love of my family. As I pray quietly I ask David “Are there birthdays in heaven?”

Father's Day

The first year after someone dies the hardest things are dealing with the “firsts”, days and events where your loved one is absent. It’s been nearly eleven months since David left us and we have been through our first birthdays without him and the holidays. Through each of those I made it fine, I was strong and seemed to find the joy and humor in the day. But, today is my first Father’s Day without David. I hope the day that has started out with many years will be part of the healing. So, I’d like to recall my first “father’s day” and my last Father’s Day with David.

It was March of 1984 and I had just returned from my first overseas deployment. Nancy had stayed with my mom and after picking her up we drove cross-country to Camp Pendleton. Marriage was still new and we were filled with the hope and dreams of any new couple. We settled into an apartment in San Clemente that was so tiny you could stand in one spot and be in all three rooms at once.

In true Lozano style Nancy became pregnant immediately. I can remember the sheer joy we felt and anxiety of parenthood and what we wanted for our new child. That spring and summer we watched Nancy’s stomach grow and we took birthing classes. Of all the things I remember though, it was the joy of the first time I felt David move. It was just a flutter but I was mesmerized with it. As the flutters became kicks we used to joke that the baby was doing summersaults. Then summer became fall and winter and Nancy grew larger and uncomfortable. We’d walk to the beach and on the way back I’d have to stand behind her and push her uphill. It was such a time of joy.

As far as names there was no question, if it was a boy it would be David Daniel, in honor of my brother David who died when I was an infant. If we had a girl’s name I’ve forgotten but I remember being confident it would be a boy though I don’t know why.

Pearl Harbor Day was a Friday. I came home from work beat, a 25 mile hike under my belt and coming down with the flu. But rather than rest Saturday night was the wedding of a friend where I drank a little too much (oops!). We got home around midnight and miserable I fell asleep on a rather uncomfortable wicker couch. At around 1:30 Nancy woke me up rather excitedly. Through the haze I remember her saying “I think my water broke!” Instantly, I was awake. I sat up and there stood Nancy by the bathroom, water pouring between her legs. “We’re having a baby tonight” she said with a smile. My first reaction was to pile her into the car and get her to the hospital but Nancy would have none of that. “I need to take a shower first” she said. As she was getting ready she said “it doesn’t even hurt”. A few minutes later from inside the bathroom I heard her first groan “ooooooow”. We laughed nervously as I urged her to hurry up because we had a 45 minute drive to the base hospital.

Finally dressed, she grabbed her bag she had packed in advance and we walked her to the car I had driven up the hill of the empty lot next to our apartment so she wouldn’t have to walk. On the way we stopped and got batteries for our camera and then began the long drive.

Camp Pendleton is a world unto itself. We exited the interstate at a lightly used gate called “Las Pulgas”. The Marine sentry looked at my ID card and asked me what we were doing and I told him Nancy was going to have a baby. He waved us on and said “don’t drive too fast”. I said “sure thing” then proceeded to drive just shy of reckless as I wove my way through the canyons and valleys of Pendleton.

We arrived at the hospital and the nurses began their work. After awhile I was brought in to see Nancy. This wasn’t some nice birthing room, it was just a regular hospital room. She was mostly dilated and well on her way but she wasn’t quite ready so they put her in the room. I sat in a chair next to her bed and we talked quietly. Then with no sleep, fighting the flu and remnants of alcohol in my system I fell asleep with my head by her side. I was rather abruptly woken up with a no longer happy wife hissing “I’m about to have a baby and you want to sleep?!!” Needless to say I didn’t go back to sleep.

When it was time they wheeled her in to a regular surgery room. The Navy doctor worked quickly and efficiently. I watched with complete awe as the baby’s head emerged. The baby had hair and it glistened with the amniotic fluid. I held my breath waiting to see movement. One shoulder, then the next and quickly the baby emerged. I looked anxiously to see the baby move and learn the sex. A boy! A boy! I had a boy!

The doctor and nurses quickly cleaned out David’s nose and mouth and clipped the umbilical cord. They placed him in Nancy’s arms and she gently kissed him. David's first cries were so gentle they made me smile. Then the doctor said they were a little concerned about his color so they wanted to put him on a warming table. I stood and looked at David laying in the warmer thinking it was a little like how they put food under warmers at a restaurant. Quickly the bluish tint turned to pink and they wrapped him up in blankets and put a knit cap on his head. A nurse said “would you like to hold your son?” and she handed me the greatest gift I have ever known, a child.

I placed him gently in my arms with his head in the crook of my arm I put my face down and kissed him on the nose. I smelled for the first of seven times the most awesome of smells; the smell of a newborn baby. Then I said quietly “welcome to our world David, I wish you a great life full of joy and happiness”.

Soon after Nancy and David were whisked away. Unable to stay awake I went back to the apartment to get some sleep but the adrenalin didn’t allow me and I watched the football Cardinals lose their second and last playoff game in their history in St. Louis. Nancy still reminds me of the fact I watched football instead of staying at the hospital with her 25 years later.

New parenthood was soon met with a new life as I left active duty just three weeks later. Nancy and David flew to St. Louis where we moved in with my mom and I began a new life as a student. Every day was something new and in 1985 I enjoyed my first Father’s Day.

Last year was my last Father’s Day with David. As we always did we gathered around the dining room table as the kids brought gifts they or Nancy had purchased. But David seemed extra anxious. After the other presents were given Nancy said David had one last gift but we all had to go outside. I really had no clue what it was.

We piled outside and David lifted the garage door. There sitting on the ground was a huge box and I read the words “grill”. I was stunned. David knew how much I love grilling and how I was still using the same dilapidated grill I’d had for 15 years. He had overhead me tell Nancy how much I wanted a new grill and he had picked out a beauty, a massive wood fired grill with a smoke box. I looked at David and he was just beaming because he knew how much it meant to me. Nancy later told me he’d paid for the $300 grill with his own money and that it had been his idea.

By the next day he was bugging me “when are you putting the grill together?” Finally, after the third time he asked I got aggravated and said “right now” and I went outside and I put it together as he checked on my progress periodically. When I fired it up for the first time you could just see the joy in his face as he knew he’d brought me some happiness. He was always so generous and six weeks later he was gone. Yesterday, we used that grill to cook a fajita bbq for my nephew Charlie’s graduation party.

Today will be hard but I hope to find the same joys I’ve found in other hard days. A loss so deep can only come from having loved something so dearly. So on my 25^th Father’s Day, I love you David, thanks for the grill and yes…we did fajitas.

Small Moments

The loneliest I feel in a day, the most pain I feel is always when I’m alone in the morning at my desk in the study. Perhaps it’s because it is the rare time our house is actually quiet but perhaps because it was at this time that David and I spent so much time together. In a big family the moments of interaction with each child can be small so they tend to be small moments, the daily interactions that fill our days.

I have always been the first to rise in our house, usually between 5 and 5:30. I’ll grab a cup of coffee or tea and sit down to catch up on news or get a bit of work done before the crew starts getting up for the day. But, David was always next. The sound of David coming down the stairs was distinct to say the least; a heavy “thud” together with the creaking of the hand rails. I would look up and smile and say “good morning David!” He would say “hi” with a slight smile and usually walk to the kitchen to get some water before plopping himself on the couch for a rare opportunity to watch his “stupid” shows uninterrupted.

“What do you have planned today?”…”Does Frank have any work for you today?”…”Can you take Alex to football practice?”…”Are you and Nathan going to the movies tonight?” These were all questions I asked in some form on a regular basis throughout the day. “David go take a shower you smell like a trashcan” was one comment that would make the always happy David frown.

Even in the years that David was away in Colorado or Wisconsin we talked to him daily and he never felt far. He would call to give us gas price updates or snow fall amounts or to tell us what place of interest he was visiting that weekend. He was forever calling his mother to go over his finances or to ask me advice on how to cook up something he remembered me making. The anticipation of a trip home was not as wonderful as the moment he walked in the door (ok filled the door) usually with some Malta in one arm and a gun case in the other. The first thing he always did regardless was look for AJ and say “Hi Silly!” as AJ ran into his open arms.

With David it was truly the small moments that meant so much. Like how he would ask his mother out for lunch every week (he always paid) or he’d eagerly show me some new gadget he’d bought or asking me to give him a haircut. If you asked him to drive somewhere the answer was always “ok” no matter what, even if you got a big sigh or some light hearted complaint. It was how he always wore shorts even in the winter, how he walked on the outside of his shoes or how he always tugged at his t-shirts. How he recorded every dorky science fiction show on t.v. and watched “24” as if the world would stop if he didn’t.

But it was David’s shy smile that said it all. With that smile no matter how I was feeling I felt better. When David smiled the world was right. In the daily grind just seeing David sitting in his familiar spots at the computer or on the couch or at the dining room table with a glue gun made me feel grounded. Now I am reminded of his absence everywhere I look.

Now the mornings are mostly lonely as I am left with my thoughts. Sometimes in the quiet of the early hours I’ll look to the stairs and pretend I see him coming down and say “good morning David!” out loud because I don’t want there to be a last time I say it. I don’t want him to fade away from my memory in even the smallest way. I want him to be in my heart like he never left. I visit his grave nearly every day and talk to him but it’s not the same. Seven months without David, seven months of tears, seven months of loss and today feels like the first.